A father's chronicle (Reading and analyzing)

It always brings me a smile whenever I see him reading away (and tonight, he read to his sister who is ... er... slightly over 4.5 months old).

We brought him to the mega-mart and when he reached his favourite corner (the books), he comfortably picked up a book, sat on the floor and read away. It is a typical scene.

Besides the benefit that he gets including: entertainment, relaxation, improved in knowledge... perhaps, one of the greater goal that I've for him is to analyze. No, no, not exactly from a engineering point of view.... perhaps from what some people call "critical reading". It is a sad that that many people read, but never understand. Or even be critical about what they read. It is like (well, the passage says so, so it must be true). It is a dangerous way of reading - to accept everything that enters your eyes and goes consumed into your soul without going through an exhaustive filter (aka brains). And that includes what you have just read!

Reading is a stange thing. The author conducts a sort-of monologue with you. In that short span of time, you need to "wrestle" with him/her ... but in an unfair way. You don't really get an immediate response to your objections. Well, in this blog, you can send in a comment. But in a book, say, you might not be able to do so (especially when the author has moved onto the next world).

But, alas, the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. Theophilus' journey in understanding this world has began. "Wow, you see the world is so beautiful!" (he spoke these words while we were at the reservoir). One day, perhaps, one day... he might read Law (as one stranger in a cafe pointed out when he was two years old), but for now... it is good enough to read his books and enjoy them.

Yes, my boy, the world is so beautiful... especially with you around.

A father's chronicle (The power of a little success)

Yup, he has began to spell. So, guess how he is exhibiting that confidence? He is labelling every room and every corner. There is music place, darwing (oops! should be 'drawing') corner, washing place, watching (TV) room, play corner, kitchen.... Theophilus was like a little busy bee, writing on small pieces of paper and sticking them everywhere (actually, I think he gets the good feeling of spelling and writing and labelling all those familiar places in our home).

I find the empowerment of language a very fancinating thing. I could still recall the first word he spoke "blue", then it was an explosion of words, then reading (which was quite difficult to learn especially those five to six syllabus words), and then writing simple words... now he is writing and spelling those words that he is so familiar with in his conversation. I don't have any theory to offer. I couldn't even recall how he picked up those words like "concussion". Perhaps it is through our conversation.

But I notice how that little success with simple words that lead him on to learning more and more...

In about 2 weeks more he will be taking his maths test again ... hopefully he can get pass it and move on to other topics... he is eyeing on a big train set... at the rate he is getting his stickers... I think I better safe up faster (to make it more difficult to get the "prize", he have to earn 30 stickers to get the big train set... that will give me some buffer).

A father's chronicle (I Not Stupid - A Film Review)

This is a follow up on my last blog (Celebrating Normalcy) since I've also watched a movie on TV over the weekends on parenting....

I should have watch the movie "I Not Stupid" about 4 years back.... I couldn't exactly recall why I missed that show... but I was glad that they showed it over the weekends and ... on TV! For a review, you can read it here.

For those who are parents with young kids and living in a society that placed (or over-placed) emphasis on academic excellence (not that being academic excellent is a bad thing... ah, forget about the explaination, watch the movie and you will understand the struggles of "normal" kids in Singapore), this show is a MUST. I intend to get the DVD. And to get the full ROI (Return-on-Investment), I intend to watch it over 5 times before putting it on the DVD shelf for future parenting-research-material.

It is really a very realistic show. In Singapore (and like many other countries in Asia, e.g. Japan), kids are falling off high-rise buildings... all because they have failed academically. While it is true that the underlying problem is due to "problems in interpersonal relations, especially with peers and parents. Fewer than half are related to school-work stress" (see this article), I find it is just a microscopic observation.

A child have interreaction with the society too and is subjected to the opinions and expectations of the society as well besides those of his/her parents. Perhaps, this is the narrow phrase "interpersonal relations... with peers". But peers are only a subset of the social circles of a child. You can see this social expectations in the life and experiences of Boon Hock (esp. in those scenes at the hawker center while helping out in his mother's hawker stall).

There is a follow up sequel to this movie (I Not Stupid 2). I am not sure whether I am ready to watch it now... I am still digesting the first part. There is a lot of material to think about... hopefully it won't be another 4 years of wait before I get to that movie. I think the second part is just as relevant to my parenting skills... perhaps even more?

A father's chronicle (Celebrating normalcy)

They run just like my son. They talk like my son. They argue, they ponder.... but they are not "normal". I mean, these kids are not just above average. They are gifted. Yes, I am not refering to my son. There is a difference between being intellgent and being gifted. And, sure, there is a gap between between "normal" and "intellgent".

Our society is a strange one. Alot of focus goes to the "bright" ones. They are featured in papers (e.g. last weekend, there was a whole section on them). These kids (err... they are working adults now) are not like the kids next door. They are really heading for the heavens! Their career is planned before they start. Their lives are mapped out - lived in the upper 1% of the society.

My son is not gifted. Actually, it came as a bit of pain when I realized/accepted that (huh, are you joking, Paul?). But let me quote again from the book (which sort of summarized my experience):

At first this intuition is painful. Emilio will not be a genius after all. Or at least I won't be able to make him exceptionally intelligent. It is the death of a dream. But I feel relief. I give him permission, inside me, to be what he is. Perhaps he will be an ordinary child. I realize that I no longer have control of the process.... Expectations. You can see them everywhere... Thus children are turned into pretty knickknacks, supergifted monsters, sports champions, or just good little puppets who never get into trouble because they are already only half alive....Bit by bit I also discover new ways of loving. After all, how can I truly love my children if at the same time I wish they were different?

Nope, my son cannot swim 100m in 3 minutes flat (that's the gold standard, btw for their age category). He cannot tell you the order of planets (I didn't get it right either, besides the first and last)... he is normal, ordinary, and he is my son.

He is honest (he cannot stand to tell lies)... his best attempt is to keep quiet. He does not bully the weak. He is helpful. He is a friend when you are in need of help, he does not chick-out on you when you are in the deepest hole. He cries when you are hurt. He laughes when you are happy. He shares his last piece of chocolate and will gladly share his toys too... and yes, he forgets (which can be the best part).

He is normal. He is ordinary. He is my son. I am so glad that he is who he is.

It is great to be.... normal.

A father's chronicle (Achievements in doing simple things)

So often, we take simple tasks for granted. Even the wearing of a T-shirt or a pair of shorts. For children, this can be quite a task for them. You need to balance on one foot, make sure that the shorts is facing in the right direction. Place the right foot into the right hole, and make sure the other foot does not go to the same one... ghosh! All this is liken to be a great acrobatic act.

So, yestarday when I offered to wear his clothes, he refused and said...

Son: No, no, no... I can do it. Let me show you...

And he did it. To me that's a milestone. An achievement. A little victory. A score on the chart of independence. I think I only exhibited this behaviour when I am 3 years older than him (Shhhh.... don't tell him yet.)

One of the joy that I get as a parent is to see these little achievement every day. From the first foot step to wearing of clothes, writing of words, writing of name.... all these are very precious memories.

Well done, boy. Well done.

Maybe these little hands will get to button my shirt when I grow too old to do so someday...

A father's chronicle (Thots on playing)

Human beings toil and struggle. Play is a privilege of the gods, but of children, too. Playing with my children, I have found this thrill that frees the mind of heaviness and worry....Yes, playfulness is a state of grace, and it is not always available, or perhaps it is always available to children, just not for adults..... Jokes are part of playing as well. They have a degree of mischievousness, which, when it is not offensive, is a great way to transform our aggression.

Chapter 6, Play, What Our Children Teach Us by Piero Ferrucci

Playing with my children brings similiar reflections too. In fact, many a times, I have to free myself of how I plan to play with them or even to set out the rules rigidly. This is especially true for Theophilus, in the battle of the Knights (which we have many episodes), rules are set by... ahem... him. His knights can do wonderful feats. The good will live, the bad must die... and Daddy ALWAYS must play the side of the bad (i.e. I must use the shadow knights). Yet, he has pity on me once in a while... the dark side do win in every 10 battles... there are so many things that happen in battle of knights. So many names that he can come up with. It is so wonderful. 'Arrows' are transformed into 'Shooting Fires'. A few pieces of 5x8 plates are transformed into an island called 'The Rock' which have a castle that housed evil knights with names so long... only he can get them right, and beware of the dragons and brimstones!

In those moments of battle, my daily battles are watered down. My creativity is refreshed.

Playing is a form of affection. A sign to them that we love them and we want to be involved in their lives. I am not a superman yet, and being in the electronic wired world does create some struggles.... the battle between emails and 'come Daddy, please play with me'.

Play is a privilege of the gods, but of children, too

Yes, I think so.

Gracia is showing signs of interest in simple playing now.... things are getting more exciting. We have a good laugh at how a soft pillow can fall on her... with so many giggles from her as a reward of my effort. It will be another 9 months before she can really converse with us, and I am really looking forward to that moment.

A father's chronicle (Love is beyond mathematics)

Now that Gracia have arrived, we are especially conscious about how we "transmit our ideology about love" to Theophilus. Somehow through a TV commerical, he gotten the idea that if you love someone, you would have less love for someone else.

I like how Piero puts it in his book (What Our Children Teach Us):

I am convinced that we unconsciously transmit our ideology about love. We regard love as if it were a cake: You cannot have the whole, but must divide it, and as it is in scarce supply, you have to compete for it in order to obtain some of what you want. Thus rivalry and conflict is born.... Even though I shall have to divide my time between the two, I shall not have to divide my love, which is beyond mathematics, and cannot be sectioned.

No, no, no... I can still love both of them... and yes, my time is not just halved, but much much reduced. Yet, this is no scarifice at all.... like how Piero puts it (again):

Sometimes all it takes is a laugh from Emilio or Jonathan, a word, a gesture, seeing them alseep, or half an hour's play together, for me to think, Now I have reached a state of happiness so complete that I could die at this moment.

So true, so similiar to my personal experiences as a Dad....

A father's chronicle (Rereading a book)

I was staring into my bookshelf and wondering what are the books that I've there... also trying to atone for my many sins - I have the tendency to buy more books than I could read!

At the middle section, was a book that my mom bought for my birthday 2 years back. I was only able to start on a few chapters before life caught up with me (excuses again, but that's all I can come up with )... so, I stretched forward and grabbed it. Second attempt at a good book.

Interestingly, the title is one that I really like - What Our Children Teach Us by Piero Ferrucci. For those who like to read this series of my following, this book is very much like it. It is written by a father about his encounters with his children... difference, of course, is that he is trained in psychology.... while I am not.

Anyway, I want to share a few lines on the chapter on Attention.

Without presence, there is no relationship, no reality. To think about past and future is of course so much easier than living in the present. Transported away from the present, we find everything: fantasy, worries, memories. Worlds far more intriguing than watching a child jump.

....

There is a sense of healthy lazines that I have learned in being with children: Slow down, take it easy, be here, enjoy yourself. You are allowed to have no purpose.

No purpose.... hmmmm... no purpose. We don't do that often in real life. Go to meetings, you have the agenda drawn up. You go to shopping mall ... well, a shirt to "hunt". Even the other day when we were watching a movie (Chicken Little), a parent popped the question to her children immediately after the show - So what's the moral of the story? (btw, the children were tasked to write about what they learn when they reach home. Boy....)

But with children? We need to slow down and be here. Be here. It is a lost art to "be here".

I guess, we have somehow been "programmed" to have a purpose in everything.

Enjoy yourself.... You are allowed to have no purpose (when you are with me).

Actually, I like it very much. I like to walk to my children and just sit around. Just to be beside them. No purpose.

I am here. I am here, now.

A father's chronicle (My son's first swimming lesson)

OK, his first lesson was on Wednesday not today. I am late again in my blogging effort. Terrible at ensuring the events synchronized.

I really like the idea of sending him for swimming lesons... even though I am a swimmer, wife is a swimmer... our parents are swimmers... but well... it is the holidays and not letting him expand some of his energy is as dangerous as trying to cool down a nuclear reactor in 2 seconds flat.

Yet, I must admit that I really enjoyed it. Seeing him learn how to kick his legs, and do it with the rest of his classmates (or should we use the word 'poolmates'?), really is fun to watch. He have had so much fun! The learning process starts again for him. He is tired after the swim and famished too (great!) It is also nice to make a few new friends too. I am pleasantly suprise to find that they were very good kids. Kids with pretty good up-bringing.... with a little child-playfulness attached.

One little girl, Olivia, even say 'Thank you' when I encouraged her that she is doing a great job. Admittedly, most kids don't know how to take encouragement and praises (maybe adults too?).

There are so many "First time".... the first time Theophilus completes his maths worksheet on his own, the first time he ate all by himself, the first time he bathe himself (without the help of Daddy / Mummy).... the first time he caught the tail of a chameleon....

His first swimming lesson.... was great!

A father's chronicle (Nearing the threshold of fractual point)

It seems uncommon for me to meet a 7 or 8 year old boy running at the 4 km mark in the forrest yestarday, so as I approached from the back, I could not but get a glimpse of him. To my horror, I really think he was in trouble. Strangely, his parents were at least 30 meters ahead. The poor boy was struggling behind.

A fellow runner heading towards us voiced out his concern, and I second it. Guess what was the response of his parents... yup "He is OK". OK? What OK? We are regulars here and we know when a kid is getting into trouble! You don't want to get to the point when he roll his eyes then discover he is getting into trouble, right?

It was not until I saw that his parents slowed down and let him take a break that I continued on my run (sure, I will miss my timing, but heh, what's that anyway? I can try that again the next round). I was also prepared to carry this boy out (yes, yes, yes, I am tired).

This incident caught me thinking how far we stretch our kids. To be honest, I can't tell what is the limit the boy can be pushed, only the parents know intimately. Yet, I think often times we danced on the thin line of crossing the fractual point. Some kids can take more pressure, some don't. Some kids just break down and never recover from that.

Parents play an important role. We need to constantly learnt and discover what is this threshold. This level is not a constant level. Due to environment (say, incidents or happenings in our kids' lives), it can vary. So, at times I find it unrealistic to push Theophilus too hard.

In fact, I was very forthright to let his maths teacher know that it makes no difference to me whether he scores 90% or 100%. In fact, it does not matter whether he gets a B- or an A+. Stretching him beyond realistic level is just going to make him pay a price that I felt is not required.

Life is more than just A+ or even a B-.

Train but don't strain.

A father's chronicle (When I am bored...)

Vandalism in Singapore is a serious offense. People get caned for that.

When I am bored at home, I "vandalise" too... but only on the toes of my gang.

Son is not spared....

Don't even think that I will let her off.... come here! Arrrrggghhh....

A father's chronicle (Still marching on)

It has been more than a month since I've blogged. Terrible, isn't it? For those who have been missing A father's chronicle, .... thank you for missing it. A month have quickly gone... and now Gracia is more than a month old already. I am not sure whether the weighing machine is quite right today, but she has doubled her weight! Anyway... now that I've two kids, I find time is really too little. I've not been reading, have not been running (OK, there was a 10 km run that I did last week while everybody was sleeping). But I've enjoyed Theophilus even more immensely, and awaiting somewhat impatiently that Gracia will talk to me asap! I've already "stolen" so many kisses from her already.

So, I am still trying to keep up with as much reading as possible. As much programming as possible. As much exercise as allowable.... it is good to be a father of two. Somehow, at least I know what is "going to happen" next. I can understand why my patience is running thin at certain hour (late in the night or rather dead early in the morning).... and I can understand the frustration of my wife better.

Today, Theophilus woke up a bit too early and we managed to catch sunrise together. He marvelled at the beautiful colors of sun rise... he is already very captured by sunset (which is my favourite, unlike Yan who likes sunrise... but today she finally could not keep her eye lids up to the mark).

Son: Dad, sunrise is very beautiful. It is so colorful... but sunset is more beautiful...

Dad: Ya, I like sunset.

Son: Where does the sun goes when it is in the night? Does it go home to sleep too?

Dad: (Huh? Ha ha ha ha ha ...)

OK, what happened after that is so within expectation... I took two balls and began my lesson on the solar system, how the earth revolve around the sun and with the earth still spinning... quite a feat to ensure the revolution and the spinning... I think he understand it slightly better now.

Children... they are so pure in heart. I wish to be like them. I want to be like them.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

A father's chronicle (Incy Wincy VS Archibot)

I don't know when they started to make themselves at home. But when I was working at my desk... I noticed one of them walking (or do we say "crawling") across my desk non-chalantly. Yes, it is a spider. I took a container and caught it as part of a "science" lesson for Theophilus. We named it - Incy Wincy. Much to his delight and laughter.

Later in the night, I notice another one while I was reading the papers! Oh no... SpiderMan must have somehow passed by our place without my noticing. Rushed to get the same container (heh, I am not being cruel to them, OK? the container if scaled to size... could well be the size of a large bungalow in our human context).... put the new "captive" into the same "home". We named the second occupant - Archibot.

It is just going to be till the weekend.... we will release it.

Well, guess what? My words cannot be fufilled. Incy Wincy ate up Archibot. Extended (unintended) science lesson - food chain.

Really! I couldn't find it any more. It is impossible for Archibot to leave his "bungalow" without writing us a note or something... that's unbecoming of a spider.

I didn't notice Incy Wincy grow any bigger.... just gave me that innocent look. .... and seem to say

"Heh, don't look at me. I don't eat spiders. It is like a professional courtesy?"

---

Verdict

Incy Wincy: Survived.

Archibot: Lost-in-Action.

A father's chronicle (Reflections of being an "elder brother")

Being the youngest among my siblings, I don't often think about the "elder brother" effect. What I mean is: the amount of adjustments and changes in the level of attention or even the changes / adjustments of the elder siblings for the younger one.

Out of a sudden, everybody is warning Theophilus to be careful with Gracia (the new girl of the block).

I've my own thoughts on that actually . I am trying not to make it too much a fuss to Theophilus. He is a boy and naturally brings along with him a certain level of roughness. But since he is a sensible boy and his language and reasoning level is very high, I just need to explain that the girl is very fragile at this point of time and we just need to beware of how we move around her. There is no need to "scold" him or constantly remind him again and again and again... I somehow observed that this kind of behaviour on the adults' part tend to add to the rivary between the siblings. They feel that the new arrival needs "special attention" and now they are somewhat "de-throned" (utter nonsense). I think Yan is right - the girl need to get used to this brother of hers too! Wise girl.

Not only movement must be adjusted, he needs to behave "properly" to avoid influencing the younger sister in a bad way. There are so many things happening and is like "forcing" him to grow up... and I just want all these forces to slow down a little on him. He is still a kid. Cut him some slack.

I am also trying to keep up with the same level of attention and time in playing with him. It can be tough, since there are additional chores and errands to do, but ... heh, I am Daddy, right?

This weekend is filled with alot of playing with him. I really enjoyed it... though... exhausted by now.

I am Dad, and I am handicapped with only 24 hours. I need a few more hours!

The journey begins here

Well, this is the first post.... more blogs to come, I sense. Continue blogging, I should....